I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
