well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
