If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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