guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dignity is for republicans.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
