Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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