Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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