...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
