I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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