Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
