i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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