census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
