Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My balls are so social today.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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