Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
being pregnant is like rehab
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
