im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm passing your future prison.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
