Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize