i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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