Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
