Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
