My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Randomize
