It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He? As in you personified your dick?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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