Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
