Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
