I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
