Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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