True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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