She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
