I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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