What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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