all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
