i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
