if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
