I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
