i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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