Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
