he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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