once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
