why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
