You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
