I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
