You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh god it's open bar.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
