it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
