At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
