I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
