some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
