Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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