she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
