We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
