i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
