Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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