I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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