He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
