I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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