I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
