my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize