Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
