I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
