i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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