So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
