I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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