Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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