sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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