I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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