I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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