I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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